I decided last night that apparently I miss my friend Ana. So much in fact that I wanted to be just like her.
Last night, I took my shoes off and ran around barefoot. Natural, you know….kinda like my buddy, Ana.
Then I remembered I was going to run out and talk to Curtis before I went to bed. Did I put my shoes on? Nope. It had stopped raining and there is nothing like walking through the wet grass and a little mud. It’s peaceful, like my friend Ana.
Did I make it to the grass? Nope. Not even close. I took a page out of Ana’s book and decided that it had been awhile since I injured my self, and I might as well do it up right.
So….I took ONE single step out the back door, my foot barely touched the wooden step and it went sliding…until it stopped. At the end of the porch. On the metal railing. And peeled just about all of my toenail off.
But I wasn’t done yet. Gotta keep up with my pal Ana (who coincidentally has NOT broken, bruised, injured or otherwise maimed her self for quite some time.)
Since my one foot was busy on my right side injuring itself, my left foot felt all left out. Since I was in midstep, my left foot sort of moved, REALLY fast and decided to find the ONLY spot it could fit through while still moving at 100mph. And it did. Right through the step, to stop RIGHT at my ankle bone and wedge it from the side. I swear it broke. OMG!
Teeth chattering, crying uncontrollably, pain all over. I did however manage to extricate myself without anyone knowing. Thank goodness for that. I hobbled into the bedroom on my broken toe on my right foot and broken ankle on my left foot (They are NOT broken, but sure felt like it.)
THEN…the kids come in. “MOM!! We’ll save you!” Asuka grabs my not broken ankle and starts feeling for a broken bone. Keep in mind, my foot, ankle and shin turned blue and swelled up instantly. Searing pain the second she touches my leg. But no crepitus (grating bone). I teach the kids first aid. Asuka yells, “This is outside of my scope of practice. I’m getting Dad.” Scope of practice? That kid really does listen!! I have to make a mental note, to store that bit of knowledge and watch what I say in front of her. She’ll remember everything.
THEN Daddy comes running in, I have no idea what the kids told him, but he was at my side instantly “OH Shit!! You broke your f***** leg!! WHY DONT YOU DRINK MORE MILK!!” First time I’ve really ever seen Curt under serious pressure in all our years together….and he yells at me for not drinking milk, in the midst of a medical emergency.
Why don’t I drink more milk? Oh God, it was hilarious. Well, then Curt and Asuka decide I need a splint. I TRULY thought it was broken when they grab my EMS bag and pull out my crevats (Long Triangle, strips of cloth used to splint or secure in ems situations.)
They wrap up my (not) broken ankle. Now keep in mind Curtis DOES drink his milk and has hands and arms like steel. SO he splints my (not) broken leg like he is going to be duct-taping a car back together. I holler and scratch his back “What the hell are doing!! You’re going to put me in shock!”
“Well, I wouldn’t have to do anything if you’d drink more milk, swiss cheese bones!! And why the hell were you going outside WITH NO SHOES ON!!” That was entirely a smack my head moment. What the hell, I’m dying here and you’re still yelling at me to drink milk and wear shoes.
By now the pain isn’t as severe, I realize that I’m probably not broken, but I might be if Curt doesn’t finish my splint soon. He does, only it’s way too tight and the swelling is not done. Pain is intense. It hurts. It gets worse.
What does a mechanic use to secure a splint on a human leg? The crevats he took out of the ems bag? The splints he carefully pulled out of the ems bag? Nope. He took a damn car magazine rolled it up to about an inch thick…and then TAPED it on the side of my leg….with electrical tape. No wonder why it hurt.
My leg is swelling and the already tight electrical tape feels like it’s burning into my skin. What does a mechanic do then? Pulls out this, what looks gigantic, knife and cuts the tape but leaves the uncomfortable splint still attached to my leg. Then he wraps it with a crevat.
Now, I’m laying in bed. Obviously, my feet need to both be elevated above my heart, so Asuka has a giant wool blanket tucked under my feet. I cant roll over. My ankle hurts if I touch it. My toe hurts if it touches the blanket. Eventually I manage to fall asleep.
Hours later, in the middle of the night Curtis reaches over and pulls me close. He placed a hand on my neck carefully, his steel hands soft and comforting. He slides his hand up until his thumb is on my jaw and his fingers on the other side of my jaw. He tilts my head backwards, until he is able to kiss my forehead lightly. “Sorry I called you Swiss Cheese Bones.”
Life is great. I love that man, and his care of all of us.
Moral of the story: Drink milk. Eat cheese. Wear shoes.